Talk Show with Bartimaeus
by Cheesey Goodness
Summary: What happens when Nathaniel summons Bartimaeus incorrectly? He gets an invitation to be on a live talk show, of course! WARNING: CONTAINS EXTREME RANDOMNESS.
1. The summons

**Talk Show with Bartimaeus**

**Disclaimers: I do not own the Bartimaeus Trilogy by Jonathan Stroud if only i did, pentacles, jelly doughnuts, circles, Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado, memory black-outs/white-outs, demons of any kind, Earth do u think im going too far, cat-like reflexes, or anything else that you don't think I own! If you thought i owned circles or anything else, YOU NEED HELP! But, I do own the Earth! jk! DON'T SUE ME!**

**Well, here's chapter 1! This will be my first fanfiction put on I've written other ones but their still on my personal website! Hope you like it!**

_"Dear Lucky Magician,_

_Congratulations! You have been chosen to take part in a live talk show hosted by-_blah blah blah-_ come to some town in London on August 25th at 7:00 AM properly dressed-_blah blah blah" read Nathaniel out load. He was too lazy to read the letter word for word. And too stupid! But he wanted to be on TV SOOOO badly that he would kill to do it! Well, thought Nat, maybe that wouldn't be the best idea since I summoned Bartimaeus incorrectly...

FLASHBACK!

"You are aware that this entire half of the pentacle isn't here!" said Bartimaeus in his usual Ptolemy form.

"Really?" said the boy as he inspected his circle.

"Yeah! Why is that?" The demon-I mean djinni- asked. "Not that I care! I just didn't want to leave the readers hanging!" he added quickly not wanting to sound like he cared.

Here was the little twerp who was holding a doughnut's response: "Weeell...I was about to summon you when Promiscuous came on on the radio! And that's like my favorite song-"

"Are you sure your not gay?" interrupted Barty.

Nat ignored this comment, smoothed back his hair in a very dignified way, took a bite of his pastry, and continued his speech. "_Anyway_...I was dancing and singing with Squishy-"

"Squishy?"

"My doughnut! DUH!...and I was still singing when I drew the pentacle...and then...uh...well..." Nathaniel scratched his head, deep in thought. "Aw! Stupid memory white-outs!"

"You mean black-outs." corrected Bartimaeus.

"Yeah! That's it!"

As Nathaniel droned on about squirrels over-enthusiastically, Barty decided to test his luck and step out of the circle. He took one step...then another...and well...it worked! Since half of the pentacle DIDN'T EXIST!

"Whoa! How'd you do that?" Nat was overwhelmed for some reason.

"Well...you see...the half of the circle that does exist has the rune that binds me to Earth (damn), but the other half, the one that binds me to you, is gone!" The djinni walked leisurely haha(AN sorry inside joke!) over to Nat.

"Don't even think about stealing Squishy! I have cat-like reflexes!" At this point he put his hands in the air to look like claws. "Hisssssssssssssss!"

"Well, I was just going to step on your foot, but that's a great idea!" And so Barty stole Squishy, and shoved it down his throat in one gulp. i know! Demons cant eat human food! but i really don't care "Mmmm...That was jelly filled! Where'd you get that? I'll have to go there." he commented.

Nat started to cry. Forever! "NOOO! SQIIISHY!" he screamed.

END FLASHBACK!

Nathaniel came out of his flashback sobbing quietly. Until he realized he was out of the flashback. Then he ran out the door and down the street as fast as he could. Which wasn't very fast…

He had to stop for a breather after about 3 minutes.(i can understand that. he couldn't climb 256 steps either!) Pathetic.

Then he started running again.

On his next rest stop he realized that he had no clue where he was going!

So he kept running...and running...then stopping...then running...then stoppingnot exactly the Energizer bunny! He would make it there...EVENTUALLY!

Nat ran into the theater where the talk show was taking place. Literally. He crashed into a wall because the lights weren't on yet. Being the stupid magician he is, Nat got the times wrong and came 1/2 an hour early.

He felt his way around for a while in the dark muttering, "Light switch...light switch...Hmmm...What's this?" He had found a random button. He pressed it not the best idea and a band of sirens went off scaring poor Natty Boy half to death. He slammed into the wall opposite, the sirens stopped, and the lights clicked on. "So that's where the light switch is!" observed Nathaniel. He would stow that information away for later.

As for now he walked warily off down the corridor and found himself in front of the stage.

He looked up...and got blinded by the lights that he had recently turned on.

He looked down...and smashed an ant that was about to climb onto his shoe.

He looked to the left...and saw a wall.

He looked to the right and..."Ooh shiny!" It was...a camera! "I wonder how you turn it on..."

As he made his way over he accidentally kicked a wheel. And just as curiosity killed the cat, it would be the death of Nathaniel too.

He pressed a random button. He shouldn't have done that. Last time he almost had a heart attack.

The camera moved slightly. "Ooh!" He pressed it again. The camera moved forward a few meters making Nat step forward. He pressed it AGAIN! Gee, hasn't he learned by now? The camera started to rapidly roll forward forcing Nat to chase after it.

He was still pressing buttons when it crashed into a potted plant against the wall closely followed by Nathaniel.

"Aw! That was expensive!" cried a voice from above him.

"What! Who said that?" Nat yelled as he pulled himself up.

"Well it's me, of course! The host!" said a very excited...

**HAHA! CLIFFHANGER! Who's it gonna be?** **Review! PLEEEEASE! **


	2. The Talk Show Begins!

"Bartimaeus?..."

"Well yeah!" Ptolemy-Bartimaeus said, "Didn't you read the letter?"

Nat shook his head absently.

"Obviously" muttered Barty rolling his eyes.

There was an awkward silence until Nat asked, "So...Where's everyone else?"

"They'll be here in 20 minutes. You came early. Even early than the host as it seems." Barty answered.

Either Nat had noticed the amount of chairs on the stage and asked where the peeps that were to fill them were. OR he was just asking the first question that came to his head to break the silence.

"So, Bartimaeus. What's your favorite dairy product?"

There's your answer. But Barty decided to go along with it. Kinda. "Why do you care?" he snapped.

Nat sniffled. "I just wanted to now..." he said with a quiet sob.

The demon-i mean djinni-rolled his eyes at the same person for the second time in 2 minutes. That's a record. Again with the crying, he thought. Why can't he just accept that he's an idiot? Well now he'd have to accept it. "Hey, Natty Boy!"

Nathaniel looked up hopefully.

"You're an idiot whether you accept it or not!"

Natty Boy obviously didn't accept this. Guess what he did now. He started crying...AGAIN!

Bartimaeus disappeared backstage to escape being drowned in tears.

He was about to settle onto a nice comfy couch when 2 random girls materialized in front of him. One of them was holding a doughnut for reasons unknown. "Whoa!" the djinni exclaimed as he fell off the couch. "Who are you people?"

"We're the authors"(yeah…me and my friend are writing this together!) said one of them to a very confused Bartimaeus.

"Here" said the other handing him the doughnut that just happened to have a lemon crème filling.

"What's this for?" asked Barty suspiciously.

"You'll find out" they said. Then they started laughing maniacally and disappeared.

The djinni looked around for a moment, shrugged, and lifted the doughnut to his mouth. But he stopped half way up as he thought of something better to do with it.

Nat was still crying when the other guests came.

They included: Rupert Devereaux (he just stared at Nat and walked away), Jessica Whitwell (She made Nat cry even harder(if that was possible) with her death glare), Sholto Pinn (death glare as well), Kitty Jones ("But I thought you were dead!"), some random hobo (made Nat cry at his "lack of fashion sense"), and Jane Farrar (she made Nat stop crying(YAY) but then he started to drool(thats just great))

Jane tried to stay as far away from Nathaniel as possible. Although so did everyone else.

Except Bartimaeus. For some reason, he was tryingsuccessfully to make Natty Boy feel guilty about things that never even happened.

Now the hobonamed Bob was just innocently enjoying the free food provided for the guests backstage. No one was really sure why he was here. Not even the host.

Anyway! all of the guests got on stage.

"Is everyone here?" Barty asked not bothering to take role.

They nodded.

"Good. Now everybody sit down."

Naturally they all got into a huge fight ending with Nathaniel on the bottom of a pile of people.

The host rolled his eyes, lined everyone up, and sat them down where he wanted them.

Suddenly he heard a high voice from behind him. "B-b-but I w-wanted to sit n-next to Jaaane!" it whined.

"Damn it Nath-I MEAN JOHN!- why can't you just sit there?"

"Cuz Jane's prettyful..." he said dreamily staring into space.

"JUST SIT THERE!" Barty screamed.

Natty Boy started to sniffle and make puppy dog eyes.

The de-_djinni_-knew what as coming next. So he moved everyone down a seat. "There ya go ya little brat." he said.

"Tank woo!" Nat said in a baby voice as he stared at Jane.

Barty gave her a sympathetic look before tuning and walking towards his chair on the opposite side of the stage.

The audience settled in their very uncomfortable chairs with groans and moans, someone screaming, "Dude, what's your beef giving us seats like this?" and someone elseobviously an Australian screaming, "WTF mate?"

Anyway..."Everybody ready?" Bartimaeus asked.

Worried nods.

"Everybody nervous?"

More worried nods.

"OH WELL!"

The cameras started filming, the applause sign lit up, and everyone on stage smiled.

"Good evening everyone! Welcome to Talk Show with Bartimaeus! More entertaining than Good Morning America for various reasons..." His voice trailed off. "So! I'm your host Bartimaeus! I'm sure you've all heard of me and my many many many many many many brave deeds," he continued striking a pose. "And here are my less important guests: Nath-I mean- John Mandrake, Jane Farrar, Jessica Whitwell, Sholto Pinn, Rupert Devereaux, Kitty Jones, and…um…some hobo off the street!"

One by one they waved to the cameras as their name was called. Except Nat. He and his stupid self had been waving since the start.

"First, we will be talking with John," announced the host. "So John…You summoned me a few days ago but lost control of me. Tell the nice people why that is." Obviously the djinni had been trying to humiliate the boy on TV. This was unsuccessful.

"I know what you're trying to do!" Nat accused.

Barty tried his best to look confused and surprised. "What am I trying to do?"

"You're trying to get me to tell everyone my favorite song!"

"Um…Sure John…You got me!" said Bartimaeus looking defeated.

"Well I'm not going to!" said Nathaniel defensively crossing his arms.

"OK...Anyway! On to our next topic!"

A buzzer sounded.

"Oh! Time for commercials! Today's show was brought to you by...PTOLEMY!"

Posters of the young Egyptian boy fluttered down from the ceiling.

"YAY!" cried Bartimaeus. "We'll see you after the break!"

**WOOT! Do ya like the story so far? I hope you do! REVIEW! PLEEEEASE? And if you choose to flame...MAY THE NUKE FILLED ACORNS BE CHUCKED AT YOU BY SQUIRRELS!**


	3. Caffeine Spiked Things

**Disclaimers: I don't own the Bartimaeus trilogy…blah blah blah…**

**Voice from the heavens: SAY THE DISCLAIMERS YOU FOOL OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO USE…UH…FORCE!**

**Yes ma'am! I don't own Kumbya, Old mcdonald, hobos, cheese, lollipops, caffeine pills, chickens…**

**Voice from the heavens: THAT'S ENOUGH!**

**But I thought you said to-**

**Voice from the heavens: SILENCE!**

**Yes ma'am…**

Chapter 3: Caffeine Spiked…Things…

"Hello again! I'm here with some very (cough cough) important people in this world," announced Bartimaeus. "Except the hobo…I dunno who he is…"

He went on to the next topic: asking the guests why they hated John SO much (as if he didn't know!).

Well they didn't respond completely because they were…dun dun DUN!...tired…

Suddenly a butler came out with a silver platter balanced on his outstretched palm.

And on that platter there was some…chickens! E I E I O! (jk)

There were some assorted cheeses and lollipops (AN: HAHAHAHA! Sorry inside joke…)! YAY!

"Uh…Due to this (cough cough) unexpected meal, this talk show will need to run for another," Barty looked at his watch. "Two hours!"

Everyone groaned including the audience.

I mean they had to sit in those uncomfortable seats an-…Anyway!

"Which is why I spiked the cheese and lollipops with caffeine pills!"

The guests looked from their lollipop sticks to their cheese covered fingers to the empty platter in confusion…

And started randomly doing the chicken dance hyper speed while spinning in circles…

Five seconds later they dropped down in a circle. "Kumbya my lord, Kumbaya!" Nathaniel started.

The rest of the guests chimed in at random intervals WITH harmonies!

Bartimaeus was nodding his head to the beat. He got out a banjo and started strumming.

They made up some different verses as they went.

Suddenly they stopped and seemed to go into a trance.

They slowly walked back to their seats and snoring immediately filled the studio.

"We're gonna need some coffee out here!" Barty yelled.

The butler came out once more. But this time he was accompanied by seven others. The "others" mainly consisted of hobos off the street. Don't ask me why.

Another buzzer sounded.

"Time for commercials!" said the djinni watching the guests sip their coffee. "When we come back these idiots will be as wide awake as ever!" He took his own mug, "And apparently, so will I!"

**I can't wait to write about Bartimaeus getting hyper! That'll be fun! REVIEW! OR MAY THE SQUIRRELS CHUCK NUKE FILLED ACORNS AT YOUR SOOOOUL!**


	4. SUGAR HIGH!

**Talk Show with Bartimaeus**

**Chapter 4: SUGAR HIGH!**

**Disclaimers: blah blah blah…blah…blah blah…(its my new language!) blah…blah blah blah…blah…**

**Voice from the heavens: JUST-**

**Me: OK! I GET IT! I don't own the Bartimaeus Trilogy by Jonathan Stroud…or anything else…there ya go!**

**Voice from the heavens: FAIR ENOUGH…**

**WARNING! This chapter is RANDOM! Do not read if randomness affects you in a negative way! You may have thought the other chapters were random…but they're no where CLOSE to this one!**

"ANNNNNND WE'RE BACK!" screamed Bartimaeus just a little too loudly. "Man this is good coffee!" He was currently on his fifth mug.

Apparently coffee has the same effects as alcohol.

The guests couldn't keep still: They were on top of the chairs, then they were under them, then Nat was giving Barty a piggy back ride…

It was mass chaos!…even more than when the demonic muffins took over…or when the squirrels had a revolution against the chipmunk-

(gets evil glare from the "voice from the heavens" and shuts up…but I don't know how a voice has eyes…)

Here's how the scene played out…

Kitty was doing laps around the stage. After five, she stopped and said "TOUCH DOWN!" Then picked up a chair and threw it down like a football.

As I said earlier, Nathaniel was giving Bartimaeus a piggy back ride. "I always thought Nat was too weak for that" you might think. Well you thought right. And Barty discovered this the hard way when Natty Boy suddenly toppled off the stage into the audience. They all stood up and gave the djinni and the boy the joy of crowd surfing.

Rupert Devereaux and Sholto Pinn were singing the "Brave sir Robin" song from Monty Python and the Holy Grail (I don't own that either) loudly (and badly).

Jane Farrar (takes place after Nat is back on stage again) was lovingly giving Nathaniel a back rub (she was just that drunk…on sugar of course!). Well…she WAS!

Until Kitty noticed…

She jumped on Jane from behind knocking Nat on to the ground. They got into a HUGE catfight! (me-ow! jk!)

Nathaniel was trying to break it up without actually going anywhere near them. He was about ten feet away when he said, "Ladies, ladies…don't fight! There's enough of me to go around!" Then he was on the ground again (wow...AGAIN?) due to Bartimaeus randomly tackling him.

Lets see…who else…Ah yes!

The hobo was taking this "party" to his advantage. To do what you might ask. Well isn't it obvious?

Voice from the heavens: NOT TO THESE IDIOTS!

Me: Hey! You can't call my readers/REVIEWERS idiots!

Voice from the heavens: YES I CAN! NOW EXPLAIN THE SITUATION AT HAND!

Me: fine...

The hobo name Bob was enjoying the free food again. Hey! They made some pretty good cookies!

OH! And how could I forget...

Jessica Whitwell was just joining in on Devereaux and Pinn's little sing-a-long. Except she was singing an octave ABOVE the men. You can imagine how GREAT that sounded!

Buzzer!

"Time-OW-for com-get off me!- commercials! We'll be back-JOHN YOU IDIOT!-after the break! OH! THAT DOESN'T BEND THAT WAY!"

**HEHE! Don't ya luv it! Yeah...didnt ya really like the part with jane and kitty? And then barty fighting Nathaniel...that was great...i was actually laughing really hard as I wrote that! REVIEW! Blah blah...with the squirrels... **


	5. Another Flashback?

**Talk Show with Bartimaeus**

**Chapter 5: Another Flashback?**

**Disclaimers: I don't own the Bartimaeus Trilogy...**

**Crickets: chirp**

**Me: Does anyone still care?**

**Crickets: are silent**

**Me: kewl!**

"Well we're back," said a very disheveled looking Bartimaeus. He glared at Nathaniel. "And now that most of the coffee hyperness has worn off-"

He was interrupted by a sudden giggle fit from Kitty.

"_Some _of the hyperness has worn off, we can continue with the show."

If a person suddenly came into the room to find this on the TV, it would be quite awkward. Especially if they didn't know what happened before this.

This is what they'd see:

All seven guests tied to chairs with duct tape. The host tied to his chair with duct tape. The host's eye twitching as he glared at a certain flinching guest who happened to be Nathaniel. A strange girl giggling her head off. And the rest of the guests just staring into space.

Anyone would be confused in that person's position.

So...

"Let's just get on with it!" some random person in the audience said.

Bartimaeus just looked at him evilly (these people were in a _major_ caffeine hangover).

"So!" He said looking back at the guests, his normal happy self finally showing through the frustration this caused him. "Since we have nothing better to do, we may as well talk about all the stupid things we've done in our lives! We'll start with..." He thought for a moment. "Nat-er-John!"

"WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY?" he screamed tipping his chair over.

Barty sighed as the camera man who had lost his camera due to an coughaccidentcough came over to pick up Nat's chair. Along with Nat since he was duct taped to it.

"I know something that happened to him!" said Whitwell.

"Well of course you do!" said Devereaux, "You ARE his master!"

"Yeah! Yeah! Well this one time, he stole a rubber chicken."

"Wow...I'm sure you were so proud of yourself Nat...John!" said Bart sarcastically.

"OMG! I was! It was, like, the first thing I ever stole!" Nat exclaimed, a tear in his eye.

Whitwell continued with the list of "incidents".

"Then there was the 'potter plant incident'." She said.

"You mean the one that happened today?" asked Barty remembering the camera.

"What? Oh no. This happened a while back! Like a year or two ago."

"Oh-"

Nat interrupted.

"Yeah! I was feeding my pet turtle Sammy when I tripped over my shoelace and rammed into a prettyful potted plant! IT EXPLODED! All over the place! It was, like, everywhere! GAH! ITS ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW!" he started to suck his thumb.

"Um...yeah," continued Whitwell. "Well really it when kinda like this..."

FLASHBACK!

"Lalala!" sang Nathaniel as he walked toward his turtle's cage.

I'm surprised that thing was still alive with an owner like Nat...nevermind...

As he walked, he tripped over his untied shoelace (because, for some reason, he was wearing his shoes inside...).

"YAAAAAAAHH!" he screamed as he fell toward the potted plant by the door.

When he rammed into it, (takes deep breath) the plant rolled out the door, down the stairs, out the door, on to the street, caused a ten car pile up, and made the traffic jammed for five miles straight! Phew!

END FLASHBACK!

"...and that's what happened!"

Crickets: chirp

"...Um...What an "interesting" tale Nat!" Commented Barty, "Whoops! Did I say that? I meant JOHN! Yah..." He added. Luckily, no one was paying attention to him. They were all Ooh-ing and Aah-ing at Jane who was perched precariously atop a chair.

"Um...Yeah...This isn't a circus kids!" said Barty. "Wait a minute! How'd you get out of the duct tape ties!"

"I dunno..." answered Jane looking up, which caused her to lose balance and topple off her perch.

Suddenly they were all out of their...uh...how should I word this creatively...imprisonments.

Apparently the tape just suddenly..._disappeared_!

Then Harry Potter ran onto the stage being chased by Buckbeak (he forgot to bow).

"HAHA! YOU ARE ALL FREE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" he screamed.

Oh yeah! I don't own Harry Potter either!

He disappeared...

Buzzer!

"OOOOK! Time for a short-"

He was interrupted by a random person in the audience.

"SHORT? YEAH RIGHT! THOSE THINGS ARE SO LONG THAT I FALL ASLEEP!"

"SHUDDUP!" screamed Bartimaeus.

"Right! We'll be back after this break!"

**WOOT! Chapter 5! I hope everyone reviews! Please? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease? Thankies! Thankies! I've been writing this from the top of my head so it might take a few days for me to update! Be patient! Maybe you can stay preoccupied by...REVIEWING! **


	6. More Incidents!

**Talk Show with Bartimaeus**

**Chapter 6: More Incidents!?**

**Disclaimers: I don't own the Bartimaeus Trilogy or the fanfics/books that I get a lot of quotes from.**

**Voice from the heavens:...**

**Hey, are you awake?**

**Voice from the heavens:...**

**I guess not. (sneaks to phone)(calls random person) **

**...Yeah, that's right...Call everyone you know...The authors house...Yeah! Voice from the heavens is sleeping...I know! It's a miracle isn't it! See you here! **

**(peeps come)**

**PARTY! TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!**

"And we're back!" announced Bartimaeus.

The audience was getting bored and no longer applauded...It had to be "digitally enhanced". HA! That "digitally enhanced" applause sounded more like a dying seal hacking up a hairball...

"Hey! I thought I said no pets aloud!" yelled Bartimaeus in the direction of the sound booth. "Especially not seals..." he cocked his ear in towards the sound. "Dying ones! Who have hairball problems!"

"Sorry, sir!" a weak voice came out of the speakers. "We really need to work on that...So...uh...no...wait!...DON'T KILL ME! AAAAAAH!" Someone else could be heard in the background.

Right then the camera went from the speakers to the stage where there was no sign of Barty and the guests were staring at the sound booth.

The camera zoomed in on the sound booth's window.

"Something" was going on in there...SUSPICIOUSSS!

Bartimaeus had the teen in charge cornered. He was armed with a... (DUN DUN DUN!) fork! The teen was defenseless...but who cares!

They disappeared behind the wall. About three seconds later, Bartimaeus was controlling the soundboard. Applause that DIDN'T sound like a dying seal hacking up a hairball filled the studio.

"Alright," Bartimaeus's voice emanated from the speakers. "For now, I will be the host from up here! WOOT! Now I don't have to be around _them_..." he added mostly to himself.

"Hey!" exclaimed Pinn. "I just thought of another "incident". If we're still on that subject."

"'Course we are!" answered Barty. "Continue."

"Sure..." Pinn suddenly became all dramatic and such. "I remember it like it was yesterday..."

FLASHBACK!!!

Nathaniel was standing in Pinn's house in a pentacle, eating a lollipop. He was in the process of summoning Bartimaeus.

"What is it this time?!" He seemed to have guessed who had summoned him and didn't bother to make himself look scary.

"Um...Well...SHOLTO!!! WHAT DID YOU WANT AGAIN?!" Nat shouted.

"Oh my god...He doesn't even know why he summoned me..."

Suddenly, Natty Boy started to choke on his lollipop. He fell (but sadly was still inside the pentacle) and was twitching upon the ground.

Now, of course, Bartimaeus couldn't help since he was in the pentacle. Not that he wanted to anyways...

Pinn came bounding in.

"WTF choo doin' on da floor!?"

When he didn't get an answer, Sholto left Nat to...um...well not DIE...just...choke!

In the middle of Nat doing what seemed like a strange dance on the floor, he coughed the lollipop onto the floor.

He stood up slowly...and immediately fainted out of the pentacle.

Bartimaeus walked over to him. "Hmm...I think he fainted." He said to himself. "Kewl!"

Suddenly Nathaniel jumped back up.

"No! I only dramatically _fake_ fainted out of the pentacle!" he said. "Now get back in there!"

Bartimaeus wearily walked back into his pentacle.

END FLASHBACK!!!

"Niiiice one!" commented Barty sarcastically.

"Hey...That was a good lollipop..." said Nat

Buzzer!

"We'll be back after this short-" he glared at the random person who complained last time, "break. And once again, this has been brought to you by...PTOLEMY!!!"

A trapdoor-type thing opened on the ceiling and Ptolemy shaped confetti fell from the hidden chamber. Then the door fell off and nearly hit Devereaux on the head.

Swearing poured from the PM's mouth. "HEY! YOU bleep bleeeep bleep!!! Bleepin bleepers and the bleeeep-"

"That's enough!" cried Bartimaeus. "If it actually hit you. I could understand the swearing. But it didn't! DON'T SUE ME!!! It wasn't my fault I swear!" He held up his right hand. But hidden behind his back were crossed fingers...

The buzzer sounded again.

"Sorry!" Barty apologized, "Right. We'll be back! EVENTUALLY!!!"

**Wow. That took me soooo long to type! Which is why the fic hasn't been updated for a while!**

**Voice from the heavens: (wakes up) WHAT HAPPENED!!??**

**Uh-oh! Guys you all gotta leave, like, now! **

**Crickets: chirp**

**Um...guys?**

**REVIEEEW!!**


	7. Minds Work Weirdishly

**Talk Show with Bartimaeus**

**Chapter 7: Minds Works Weirdishly...**

**Disclaimers: I don't own The Bartimaeus Trilogy...no duh**

**Barty: Wow.**

**Me: What?**

**Barty: These people must be really stupid to think you own any of this crap!**

**Me: I know...But I have to disclaim or I'll get sued.**

**Barty: Well that definitely would NOT be a good thing!**

**Me: Nope...This is why I disclaim that I DON'T OWN ANYTHIIIIIIIING!!!**

"We're back...Again!" announced Bartimaeus.

"Yay..." said the audience sarcastically.

"HEY! Only I, the great Bartimaeus of Uruk, Serpent of the Silver Plumes, etc., etc, can use sarcasm to insult people! Foolish mortals..."

"Did someone wake up on the wrong side of the bed today?" said Kitty accusingly.

"I woke up on the floor!" cried Nathaniel.

"..." went the audience/guests.

"Ahem...As I was saying before you so RUDELY INTERRUPTED ME! We are back!" said the djinni currently hosting the show.

"Right...so...does anyone in the audience have any suggestions for what we should do on the show right now?"

The audience immediately perked up as this was the first time they had interacted at all.

Bartimaeus pulled a huge black top hat from somewhere in the sound booth (remember? He's in there now!!).

"OK! We shall play a little something I like to call: Pick A Random Slip Of Paper Out Of The Hat And Do Whatever It Says!!" Barty exclaimed.

Suddenly one slip of paper for every audience member fell from the ceiling. And pencils. Recently sharpened pencils.

Screams of pain filled the studio.

Quite a few slips of paper fell to the floor with no owner to catch them...How sad...

"Hmmm...I probably should have used crayons," muttered the djinni host away from the microphone so he couldn't be heard.

"So...What's the hat and stuff for again?" asked Nathaniel.

"Bartimaeus will pick a slip of paper from the hat to show what we will do next on the show!" explained Kitty excitedly.

"But what's gonna be on the slips of paper?"

"The choices of games made by the audience," she waved her hand in their direction.

"Thank you Kitty! You've been a great help!" exclaimed Bartimaeus. "Now if only you could teach him how to properly summon a djinni..." he added to himself.

Unfortunately, he forgot he was speaking into a microphone.

"Hey! I heard that!" cried Nathaniel.

_On second thought...Maybe you shouldn't, _thought Bartimaeus.

"HEY! DEMON PERSON!! EVERYONE'S DONE WRITING!" some random person screamed.

Obviously, they didn't know about Bartimaeus's sensitivity towards the classification of "demon".

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!?" yelled Bartimaeus, making fire randomly pop up behind him.

"Um..." the person seemed to be catching on slightly. "A good person...? Hehe..." he ran out of the studio as fast as his little human legs could carry him.

Bartimaeus was still fuming as he took the hat from the young woman sitting right below the sound booth. She bowed deeply as she walked away.

"Just like the old days," muttered the _djinni_ as he stuffed his hand in the small sea of paper in the hat.

He shuffled the slips around dramatically for, like, 15 minutes.

Practically everyone was sleeping by the time Barty screamed out, "WHAT COMES TO MIND!!" (AN: that's what I'm calling it. It's that games where someone's like "what's the first word that comes to mind when I say: pickle" and the other person says the first word that comes to their mind..."CHEESE!")

Everyone taking a short catnap awoke with a start. Including Nat.

"I SURRENDER!" he screamed with his hands held high.

Crickets: chirp

"Okaaaaaaay...Are we done screaming out random pointless things Nathaniel...John?" said Bartimaeus.

Nat just glared. _He just said my birth name...AGAIN! _He thought, _I hope no one noticed...It's _very_ embarrassing..._

"Alright. Everyone know how to play this game?" Barty asked.

Nods all around from the guests.

"What is the first thing that comes to mind when I say...uh...HOPKINS!!"

The guests will be answering in this order (so memorize it! I'm not repeating it):

Kitty

Devereaux

Jane

Pinn

Whitwell

Nathaniel

Bob the hobo

Bartimaeus

"Ropes!"

"Orchestra!"

"Commoner!"

"Chess!"

"Imp!"

"MEEE!!"

(twitch) (AN: yes...that was the reply of Bob the hobo...)

"Faquarl...So...that was interesting..."

The crowd cheered. Wow. I guess there's a first for everything.

"What is the first thing that comes to mind when I say...um...CHILDREN!"

"Couch!"

"Watch!"

"Cheese!"

"Pillow!"

"Lollipop!"

"Demon!"

(twitch)

"A-_thaniel_cough"

The crowd laughed at Barty's little Nathaniel joke much to the djinni contentment.

"Muahahahahaha...ahem...What is the first thing that comes to mind when I say...STARS!!"

"Sphere!"

"Magic!"

"Fire!"

"Silver!"

"Ice!"

"27!"

(twitch)

"Chickens!!"

Everyone stared...It was weird for Bartimaeus to not make sense...

"What?...Um...What is the first thing that comes to mind when I say...MESOPOTAMIA!!"

"POTATO!"

"POTAHTO!"

"TOMATO!"

"TOMAHTO!"

"Mess-of-who?"

"Babylonia, Assyria, and Sumer!"

Crickets: chirp

Buzzer sounds!

Bartimaeus tore his eyes away from the dramatically poised hobo who thought he was smart to say, "Whoa! Minds work...Weirdishly!!! We'll be back after the break!!"

**Yay! Chapter 7!! Sorry it took so long to update! Review!! It will make me happy! D**

**Bartimaeus: REVIEEEEW!!**

**Nathaniel: Yes...what he said!!**


	8. Hyperactive Ninja Kender

**Talk Show with Bartimaeus**

**Chapter 8: Hyperactive Ninja Kender**

**Disclaimers: I do not own the Bartimaeus Trilogy or Dragonlance (who will make a short appearance in this chapter) or The Abhorsen Trilogy (who will also make a short appearance in this chapter) and am too lazy to do anything special with the disclaimer!!**

"But I'm allergic to bad puns!" said Nathaniel.

"All puns are bad, idiot! That's the point of a pun; for it to be soooo stupid that it's funny!" retorted Bartimaeus as the talk show continued. (They ran out of commercials)

"Why are we talking about puns?" asked Kitty.

"'Cause the script ended!" answered the djinni pointing to a very long scroll-like piece of discarded paper.

"Oh..."

"..." went the sleeping other people.

"...OMG!" screamed Nathaniel suddenly.

"What?" asked Kitty.

"I don't think I want to know..." muttered the host from his place in the sound booth.

Devereaux miraculously awakes.

"Whaddidimiss?" he slurred groggily.

"I just remembered! This tribe of Hyperactive Ninja Kender are going on a journey through Darken Wood today!"

"...Um...No comment..." Barty said.

"Where the hell is Darken Wood?!" Devereaux screamed irritably.

"Who cares, it sounds kewl so it doesn't really matter!" Kitty cried dancing around in circles.

Bartimaeus just stared.

"I'll go get a TV! It's on the news!" Nat exclaimed.

He ran off stage.

1HOUR LATER...

Nathaniel runs back on stage pushing a TV on a platform.

"I FOUND ONE!!"

No one was there. All the audience had left along with the guests.

"Damn it! I'm too late." said Nathaniel crying.

ReWiNd! rEwInD!

"I'll go get a TV! It's on the news!" Nat exclaimed.

Just then the aforementioned authors stepped into the sound booth and whispered something in Bartimaeus's ear.

"Hmmm...I see...Yes that would help...," muttered the djinni as the authors whispered their genius plan. "WAIT!"

Nathaniel froze. The good part about that was that he froze right before he impaled his middle on a random light fixture. But the bad part was that he was in mid-air...And he immediately fell over. "Ow! I mean uh...why?"

Bartimaeus took a deep breath...And then forgot what he was going to say...Then he remembered! But...Then he forgot...And then he rememb-nope he forgot again!

"Why am I stopping him again?"

The authors gave a huge sigh(eth!) and repeated what they had just explained.

"Oooh! Yes! I'm stopping you because if we look an hour into the future, it shows you finally returning with the TV and everyone already being gone...So I'm stopping you to..." he paused and looked at the authors, "To help you get the TV so it goes a lot faster...'Cause we all know how slow Nat can be...I mean John!"

"How'd you look into the future?" asked Kitty.

One of the authors stepped forward. "Well, if you had even bothered to read Sabriel/Lirael (AN: which I don't own by the way) then you would know that the Clayr can See into the future!"

"And did you bring these 'Clayr' here?"

"Yes as a matter of fact we did! The two most powerful ones!"

Two identical Clayr stepped out and stood next to the author.

"Their names are Sanar and Ryelle. This one's Sanar," she pointed to the one on the left. "And this one's Ryelle," the one on the right. "Or maybe this one's Ryelle," the one on the left. "No wait...uh...nevermind! Those are their names so now ya know!"

"...Ok...well, what's your name?" Nat asked curiously.

"That's none of your business!" started the author.

"My name is Vicki and her name is Stephanie!" explained the other author who had come to stand by the others.

"Vicki!" exclaimed the author known as Stephanie. "Why'd you do that!? I wanted our names to be a mystery!" On the word "mystery" she wiggled her fingers in front of her.

"Can we just get on with this!" screamed Barty into the microphone.

"Yes, sir!" said Stephanie sarcastically.

"You see, as Ryelle and Sanar will demonstrate," explained Vicki. "They can see into the future. Blah, blah, blah...Just show them!"

The Clayr took out some random bottle and made a random thing that looked like a pane of glass. They did a weird magical spell thingy and a picture appeared on it.

It looked like this...

"I'll go get a TV! It's on the news!" Nat exclaimed.

He ran off stage.

1HOUR LATER...

Nathaniel runs back on stage pushing a TV on a platform.

"I FOUND ONE!!"

No one was there. All the audience had left along with the guests.

"Damn it! I'm too late." said Nathaniel crying.

End seeing into the future...

The picture disappeared along with Ryelle and Sanar.

Crickets: chirp.

"Well...That was...strange..." said Pinn stating the obvious.

"Well, bye! I'm going to get a TV!" Barty said.

"See ya!" said Stephanie.

"I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS!!" yelled Vicki. She started cracking up and fell over.

Stephanie sighed and they both disappeared along with Bartimaeus.

The guests looked around the studio aimlessly for a while until...

CRASH!!

A wall had randomly imploded sending a TV flying onto the stage.

Whitwell frowned. "Is this the fastest way you could find to get the TV here?"

Their infamous djinn-host walked through the rubble. "Well, no...I could have used Lizzie's teleportation device!"

"And where is that?" inquired Whitwell.

A girl the same age as the authors appeared in the middle of the stage. She was obviously Lizzie.

"It's under my basement! I'm gonna teleport myself to Connecticut! Oh! Oh oh! Buuuuuuurn!" She then spazzed violently and fell over.

Stephanie appeared next to her. "Oh my God, Lizzie! You're such a spaz!" She snapped her fingers and a cloud of smoke swallowed them.

Seconds later the mist dispelled showing a coughing Stephanie. "Damn it! Remind me to _never_ use the smoke screen again!" With that, she walked off the stage and out the door preparing to use other means of transportation to get back home.

"Oooooooook...Well, now that we have the TV, I suppose we can watch the," queue air quotes here, "'Hyperactive Ninja Kender' thingy!" said Barty pushing the TV into a position that everyone could see whatever nonsense was about to appear on the screen. "And now I'm going back to the safety of the sound booth while I watch you doorknobs blow it up while trying to turn it on!" He walked back to the sound booth humming gleefully.

Kitty walked over to the television set and pressed some buttons, turning on the correct news channel.

"Today we will be witnessing the infamous tribe of kender known as the _Hyperactive Ninja Kender _on a journey through Darken Wood," reported the newscaster. "They will be attempting to defeat the dead...things within it. We will equip them with a camera to film this exciting event."

The few audience members who had read Dragonlance were perched on the edge of their chairs trying to see what would happen to this mysterious tribe of kender they had never heard of before.

"Let's tune in..."

Suddenly the TV seemed to go off.

"Um...You got a faulty TV or something, Nat! John!" accused Barty.

"No I didn't! I just-" Nathaniel's retort was interrupted by the TV getting all static-ish.

They all stared at the ants in a snow storm in confusion.

"You know what this reminds me of?" said Stephanie randomly appearing in front of the TV.

"Not you again!" replied all the guests together.

"Shut-up! It reminds my of a certain horror movie...called The Ring (which I don't own)."

Another girl materialized next to Stephanie.

"AAAAAAAHH! Not The Ring! Oh the horror!!"

She dematerialized.

"Um...Yeah...That was Erin...She gets freaked out whenever someone even mentions that movie."

"Why? How scary was it?" Pinn said.

A misty well suddenly appeared on the screen in black and white. A creepy looking girl climbed out of it and quickly moved farther away from it and towards the viewers. Right before she actually came OUT of the TV, Stephanie lunged at the it and pressed the OFF button.

"Phew! That was a close one!"

"What just happened?" asked Bartimaeus looking shocked.

"The weird dead girl from The Ring just attempted to kill us! And since you've seen the movie, you'll all get a strange phone call with a creepy voice saying 'Seven daaayssss' and you will all need to make a copy of the tape and then you won't be killed in a week!" Stephanie answered cheerily.

"What movie? We were watching the news," stated the djinni.

"Apparently, the tape was in the VCR and _someone_," she glared fixedly at Nathaniel, "Sat on the remote and pressed play!"

Nat shifted in his seat and pulled out the remote from under the cushion. He smiled innocently.

"Thanks, Mandrake! Now I'm gonna die in seven days!" said Jane sarcastically.

The magician this was directed to didn't seem to hear this comment for quite a while. But once he did...he was absolutely DEVISTATED. He screamed, "No! I didn't mean to! PLEASE DON'T HATE ME! I LOOOOVE YOU!"

Jane rolled her eyes.

"Ok...so I suggest you live every day to the fullest!" said Stephanie as she randomly pulled a blank tape out of no where.

"What are you gonna do with that?" asked Nat pausing in his begging of Jane's forgiveness.

"I'm gonna make a copy of the friggin' tape! Duh!" she replied emphasizing the "duh".

"So what about us? Are you going to give us (or at least me) blank tapes too?" inquired Bartimaeus making puppy dog eyes.

"Well...maybe...yeah! But just you since, ya know, you're my favorite character!"

"Hey! We're just as important!" cried the guests.

"Stephanie shrugged, "Most of you are going to die anyways...I mean...Look a monkey!" And disappeared.

The buzzer didn't sound...For the commercials are gone...But the chapter still ends here!

**Thanks for reading!! I'm going to write a fanfic about the hyperactive ninja kender if you're interested! REVIEEEW!!**


	9. The New Audience

**Talk Show with Bartimaeus **

**Chapter 9: The New Audience**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!!! So...SHUT UP!**

The crowd went wild! They were screaming for Bartimaeus to come out of the sound booth. But he wouldn't of course...For these were rabid fans!

Confused? Well, let me explain...

FLASHBACK!!

"I am NOT flower-like!" defended Nathaniel.

"Yeah you are!" yelled Bartimaeus who had started this argument out of pure boredom.

"EXCUSE ME! WE NEED TO INTERRUPT THIS SHOW IN A BRIEF INTERMISSION!" screamed Stephanie's voice sounding like a God.

"What now..." wondered Barty out loud.

The cameras turned off.

"You do know that we don't have anymore commercials, right?" said the host.

"I KNOW...THAT'S WHY I HAVE HYPNOTIZED EVERYONE WATCHING THIS TO THINK THEIR FAVORITE SHOW IS ON RIGHT NOW!"

"Oh! So even though the screens are blank, in their mind's eye they see a TV show!"

"EXACTLY!"

"...So...Why is there an intermission?"

"BECAUSE, IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, MORE THAN HALF THE AUDIENCE HAS DIED OF OLD AGE...SO WE'RE GETTING A NEW CROWD!"

"Oh...Well...Ok...The audience hardly participates anyways!"

"RIGHT! SO WE'RE GETTING A MORE...LIVELY AUDIENCE!"

"Wait! What do you mean by 'lively'?"

But the voice had gone, along with the past audience.

"I have a bad feeling about this..." stated Bartimaeus.

Suddenly, a hell of a lot of screams can be heard right outside the doors, a few of which have nearly caved in.

"Um...Why is there an almost invisible cage around the stage?" asked Kitty reaching her hand out to touch the wires.

Stephanie appeared. "I wouldn't do that," she warned Kitty. "It's HIGHLY electrical!" And as if to prove her point, a pencil was suddenly chucked at it. It blew up. A lot.

Kitty had frozen in place. She slowly lowered her hand and coughed into it.

"I'm pretty sure that's to protect them from the people about to enter, am I right?" replied Barty soberly.

"Yes you are..." Stephanie replied before dematerializing.

And then, the doors slowly opened letting in a wave mostly made of screaming fans. There were a lot more girls than guys, but they were _all _dangerous.

Bartimaeus firmly closed and locked the sound booth door before setting a Shield around the whole booth, just for safe measures. He was smart. Any of the magicians on stage could have made a Shield, but they didn't...Barty's went all the way around the booth, over top of it, and under, in case any of his gopher fan girls found out about this...You never can be sure about those gophers...

Anyway!

As the fans filed down the aisles and around the stage and sound booth, Stephanie appeared in front of the stage and magically made her voice very, VERY loud. Louder than usual...Which is saying something!

"HEY! SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP OR YOU'RE ALL LEAVING!"

The disobedient fans obviously did not obey.

She tried again. The lights went out.

"HELLO!? DO YOU EVER WANT TO SEE BARTIMAEUS OR WHOEVER YOU STRANGELY OBSESS OVER? DO YOU? OF COURSE YOU DO! SO WHEN I TURN ON THE LIGHTS, YOU HAD BETTER SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND STAY PUT!"

The studio had gone deathly silent when the lights were turned on. Amazingly, the threatened audience members each found a seat with minimum arguments.

"Whoa..." said the djinni. _Away_ from the mike.

"THANKYOU! NOW BE GOOD! I HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE YOU LEAVE!"

Silence.

"...UM...YOU CAN START THE SHOW NOW BARTY...UNLESS YOU WANT TO GIVE THEM TIME TO GET CRAZY AGAIN." And with that, she appeared inside the sound booth as to not be trampled.

Bartimaeus nodded and leaned toward the microphone. This was more nerve racking than when the djinn conspiracy occurred! He cleared his throat and gained his normal amount of confidence in just seconds. He smiled evilly. This was going to be fun...

The cameras turned on, the spotlights...lit up! And Bartimaeus greeted the poor watchers who had previously been hypnotized.

"Good evening everyone, and welcome back!"

Cheers...So many that if the guests hadn't been protected by magical ear plugs provided by the authors, they would have gone deaf in just seconds.

Bartimaeus, still smiling maniacally, said, "Since we have run out of commercials, we're going to have to think of something to do, nonstop, for the next...oh, say...2 hours!"

"I thought you said it would be two more hours two hours ago!" complained Nathaniel.

His comment was answered with a crazy scream.

Bartimaeus glared at the source of the scream for a while. "Well I changed my mind!" he snapped.

END FLASHBACK!!

The crowd went wild! They were screaming for Bartimaeus to come out of the sound booth. But he wouldn't of course...For these were rabid fans!

The host turned to Stephanie. "Can't you shut them up?"

"Nah...Not right now!" She said.

"But why?"

"'Cause...I'm too lazy!"

The djinni rolled his eyes as he watched his sound booth get submerged in an ocean of fan girls.

Stephanie was standing in the corner looking bored when Barty said, "You know that doughnut you gave me earlier?"

"Yeah...Didn't you eat it yet?

"Well, I thought of something better to do with it."

"Really? Let's hear it."

Whisper, whisper. Evil grins all around.

On stage...

"And then I said, 'No, you're obsessed with cheese cake!' Hahahahaha!"

Nathaniel was near the fence on the edge of the stage with the fan girls that weren't around Barty telling them stories about things that never happened.

"Aren't I _so_ funny?"

The fan girls all laughed and sighed dreamily.

"Yeah...So then he said, 'No way! You are _so_ not powerful enough!' and I said, 'Yes way! I am _so_ powerful enough!' Hahahahahahaha!"

Sound booth...

The sound booth was empty.

Ahem.

Back stage...

"You make the distraction; I'll throw the doughnut," instructed Stephanie in a whisper. She and Bartimaeus were back stage dressed entirely in black, including war markings on their faces. They were attempting to carry out their evil plan, and so far, it had been successful.

"Hey! It's my doughnut, my idea! I say I throw it! You do the distraction! You're more distracting!...Well...More like annoying..." retorted Bartimaeus

"Grrr...Fine!"

"What are you going to do?"

"Muahahahahaha..."

"Oh no..."

On stage...

"And then I took the staff in my hand, and then...(insert cheesy sound effect BOOM here)"

"Oooh! Aaah! You're _so_ brave Nathaniel!" cooed the fan girls.

"No autographs please!" Nathaniel struck a pose.

They fainted.

Behind this, Jane rolled her eyes.

"Jealous now are we?" said a voice.

"What? Who?" Jane flipped out and fell off her chair.

The voice was Kitty's.

DUN DUN DUUUUNN!

Back stage...

Bartimaeus had the doughnut in his hand. He took a bite of it for luck as Stephanie whizzed passed him onto the stage. She was wearing some kind of black cloak with red clouds on it (coughakatskicough!).

When Stephanie got out there, no one seemed to notice her...until she whistled...loudly...

Everyone's head snapped to look in her direction.

Pause. She screamed, "TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" And disappeared.

In her place were three people: Two girls and a boy, all about the same age as the author.

"I'm Elizabeth!" said one girl.

"I'm Kaitlin!" said the other.

"And I'm Tim!" said the boy.

"And we're...part of...THE SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTERS!"**(1)**

A desk materialized in front of Kaitlin who was now holding a microphone made of wads of newspaper. "We make toys for you! Bust a move!"

Tim suddenly started singing. "**(insert theme song for G.I. Lizzie-O) **Bust a move!"

Elizabeth pulled a Barbie doll from behind her back. But this was no normal Barbie doll...for it was dressed in army gear complete with a machine gun. It had a pull tab on its back and a button on top of its head. It was called...G.I. Lizzie-O!

She pulled the tab..."The spaz tab!" as she called it. It was worthy of its name. The doll's limbs went wild and it screamed, "OMG! IT'S JOEL!"

She then pressed the "combustion" button.

BOOM!

The doll spontaneously combusted right in her hand. She then pressed the button again.

WHOOSH!

The doll spontaneously reconstructed right in her hand.

Then Stephanie appeared and said, "TA DAA!"

And they were gone leaving the audience in a state of shock along with the guests.

Bartimaeus took this moment to his advantage. He snuck out from behind the stage wall with his doughnut and walked calmly up to Nathaniel. Everyone was watching him. Yes...This was going to work out just fine...

SPLAT!

The lemon crème filled doughnut hit Nat's face with the utmost precision.

His fan girls immediately tried to go to his aid, but were obliterated by the HIGHLY electrical fence. The others in the audience laughed...and laughed...and laughed...and...laughed. Bartimaeus was standing in front of the recently doughnuted magician with a maniacal grin still on his face. Then he turned calmly and walked back to his sound booth.

**(1) OK...The story of the Spontaneous Combustors. One day at our lunch table at school we thought of how spazzish Lizzie is...And we were like, "What if we made that a Barbie!" But that was too boring...Let's mix spazzish Barbie with G.I. Joe! G.I. Lizzie-O! It's genius! We decided she should be all armyish and carry a machine gun. Plus, she needed to spontaneously combust! We made a theme song and a slogan and everything. We even told our principal about it! And thus, the Spontaneous Combustors were born!**

**Ahem...**

**I hoped you liked that chapter! I had been planning on Bartimaeus doughnuting Nathaniel from the start! But I only now got around to it! Thanks for reading!**

**PS...REVIEEEW!!**

**PSS...Ya know the cloak I was wearing with the red clouds on it? Well those cloaks are from Naruto (which I don't own). I don't even watch it and I know a lot about it! Well there's this group of evil ninjas and they're called the Akatsuki! I happened to be wearing one of their cloaks!!**

**PSSS...REVIEEEW!!**


	10. That's All, Folks!

**Talk Show with Bartimaeus**

**Chapter 10: That's All, Folks!**

**Disclaimers: I don't own anything! GAWD!!**

**Sorry, but this is probably going to be a short chapter. And...the last! (tear) BUT! I will make a sequel!!**

"Dude, Nat...John...You have serious issues," stated Bartimaeus bluntly.

"No. How could you say that? OMG! You're so mean! WAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Nathaniel cried.

"Oh, suck it up!" yelled Whitwell.

Our wonderful characters plus a hobos' heads were getting a little messed up...okay...A LOT! They seemed to enjoy blurting out whatever came to mind.

Let us observe...

Kitty was hanging upside down from her chair playing ping pong with Jane. They were hitting the ball hard enough to decapitate anyone who got in the way. Watching this game was Bob the hobo. Sure enough, he was eating more of the free food.

Barty was having just a dandy time telling Nat that he had multiple problems with multiple things. Nat was not.

Suddenly Pinn perked up. "Ya know...This reminds me of that one time with the ice cream. Do you remember that Devereaux?" The magician in question shook his head nervously, not wanting to remember. "You don't? Well then...All the more reason to tell everyone!" The Prime Minister nearly fell off his chair at Pinn's optimistic tone. He was about to relive the worst day of his life.

One Hour Later...

Pinn took a deep breath. "And that's why you never trust a Jamaican licorice maker with an ice cream cone on his head, a metal pole in his hand, and a really scary looking smile on his face!"

Everyone's mouths were agape.

Jane giggled. "So that's what you do in your spare time!"

Devereaux just groaned.

Bartimaeus attempted a subject change, "...So...has anyone heard about...uh...something other than this?" He was...unsuccessful.

"HAHAHAHAHA! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!" Nathaniel laughed.

Devereaux's answer was mumbled. "Neither can I..."

Bartimaeus glared down at them through the sound booth window. "They will pay..." he muttered evilly. And with that, he disappeared into the shadows laughing manically.

5 Seconds Later...

BOOM!!

"(cough cough) What...the...hell!?" choked Kitty as the ground shook beneath the guests and audience/fan girls alike. The ceiling caved in to the right of the stage.

"MUAHAHAHAHA!!" was heard somewhere off stage. And Barty walked mysteriously out of the rubble. OOOOooooOOOHH! SUSPICIOS! Ahem...sorry...

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I SHALL KILL YOU AAAA-!!" the crazed host ran into a wall before his speech of horror was finished.

"Um...I obviously shouldn't have summoned him to begin with!" stated Nat "smartly" (nudge nudge wink wink)

"And you think of this NOW!?" yelled Whitwell.

"Yes," confirmed Nat. "...Wait! HEY!"

Bartimaeus had passed out, lying on the floor next to a camera.

"Do you think he's okay?" asked Kitty nervously.

"Does it matter?" said Pinn. "He's just a worthless djinni!"

Barty miraculously awoke. "NOOOO! YOU'RE JUST A WORTHLESS MAGICIAN!!"

And right before the explosion, you could hear Nathaniel say, "Magicians aren't worthless..."

Then, as mentioned before, the studio blew up. And everyone died! Except Bartimaeus... 'Cuz he's cool like that!

"That's all, folks!" screamed Barty over the enormous boom. "If you survive, which you won't, maybe I'll see ya again!! MUAHAHA!"

**Thank you to all of those faithful readers of this book! It's finally...OVER!! tear Okay...so the last chapter sucked...but I mean come on! Jamaican licorice maker with an ice cream cone, metal pole, and creepy smile! You can't beat it!! Anyway...About the aforementioned sequel...I'm going to write a fic about a talk show, hosted by...guess who...MOI! The guests? None other than the mentioned demons-err-spirits in the books! It will be called Good Morning London! Read it! It'll be better than this one with my newly perfected writing skills! YAYZ! Let the insanity begin! Tell me what you think in your reviews...that's right...revieeews. Who would have thought of that!? Ahem...Thanks for reading! Hoped you liked it!**

**Bartimaeus: Of course they liked it!**

**Me: I know! I'm SUCH a good writer! Thank you! No autographs, please!**

**Bartimaeus: NO! I mean...Cuz I was in it! (strikes a pose)**

**Me yeah...sure...Thanks again! See you in the sequal!!**


End file.
